Alive

I am so alive. And it has occurred to me that for more than 20 years, that has not necessarily been the case. I used to live my life in a more or less constant state of anxiety that manifested as self hatred and depression. For a multitude of reasons, that constant state of anxiety foiled a variety of therapies and attempts at finding self love.

Yoga is giving me new life. What used to be a cycle of [being suicidal, trying to recover from being suicidal, and working up to/dreading the next episode of suicidal thoughts and preparation] has been broken and I have sincere and fervent hope that it stays that way. 

I have had more peace in the last two months than I have in the last two dozen years. I have had more gratitude, more patience, more faith in myself, and more faith in the universe. I have had more LIFE. 

Today’s practice was one of gratitude. The teacher worked my butt off, and I managed to get sweat in my eyes – but I laughed instead of getting angry or frustrated. My feet started to really truly hurt – so I just kept them flat and I didn’t worry about anyone else in class judging me for it. My belly, which has been actually GROWING lately in a way that actually worries me a bit, prevented me from hugging my knees for a really good stretch – so I widened my feet a bit and let my belly through so I could get the good stretch instead of trying to force my belly through my spine. I accepted my modifications instead of rejecting myself because of them. And I am so grateful for that ability today.

Life isn’t always great. I did NOT handle some criticism yesterday well. At. All. I have been burning the candle at more ends than it has lately, and the combination threatened the all-too-familiar nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon. Failure at holding it off seemed imminent, until I took a few moments to stop and just breathe deep cleansing breaths. In the space of a few hours, I had recovered most of my sanity and managed to finish out my day at work with only mild persistent anxiety instead of the debilitating kind. The scary kind that would have had me in tears, threatening to cut all my hair off and carving deep scratches in my forearms with sharp fingernails. 

Today, after yoga and reflecting on the successes of the last 36 hours, I have determined that I am awesome. I am not perfect by any means, and I have a VERY long journey ahead of me (seriously, this is one of those rare epiphany moments that I need to journal so I can remember them) but I AM awesome. And at least RIGHT NOW, I believe that I am awesome too. Believing is TOTALLY different than seeing.

It’s a new feeling for me, and it’s one of the best feelings EVER.

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