I am a horribly judgmental person. It’s awful, really. And I don’t know whether it’s better or worse that my judgment is usually directed inward. Probably neither.
In yoga class tonight, I was so grateful to have a teacher back that has been gone for about a month due to scheduling conflicts. I love all the teachers’ styles at the studio, but what I really love the most is having the variety throughout my week. It’s nice to have her back. Despite that, though, I found myself silently cursing my failing body throughout the entire class. The. Entire. Class. Every new pose, I found something to judge negatively about myself. Every time we brought one leg between our hands and I had to waddle my way into it, I was ashamed of myself. Every time I couldn’t hold a pose because my body refused, I wanted to run away and hide my face. I thought more than once about an amazing retreat I’m attending this weekend thanks to the generosity of an amazing person, and I wondered whether I was making a mistake in going.
Now, let me give you some background so you can see how ridiculous I’m being right now:
This yoga retreat I’m going to? It’s not your typical yoga retreat. It’s a Body Positivity yoga retreat. Where, to be perfectly blunt and probably overly critical of myself, FAT PEOPLE CAN GO DO YOGA. Yes, I said it. It’s yoga and a pep talk all rolled into one seriously awesome retreat on the shores of a gorgeous lake in Canada. And here I am in yoga class, thinking I’m too fat to go to the retreat. The retreat that I wouldn’t be able to afford on my own for at least a few years, but am able to go to because someone loves me and is proud of what I’m doing to get healthy. The retreat I got a new passport for. The retreat where people are going to be like me. Not [slender, perfect, beautiful, insert an adjective that is the opposite of how I’d describe myself here] people that I compare myself to. People who have the same issues with their belly getting in the way of a good twist. People who might have the same issue with having to choose whether to keep both hips on the floor for a seated pose, or to lift one hip up to allow the foot to reach the floor. And I’m freaked out about going because I have judged myself so harshly today that I think even this wonderful retreat is going to be too hard for me.
I have said before that this journey isn’t going to be all epiphanies and wonder. This is one of those days where I’m stuck. I know logically that I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t stop seeing every flaw of my body and curse it for betraying me, curse it for being so weak and flabby and gross and why the hell would anyone ever want to see me naked? Oh yeah, my head’s pulling out all the stops tonight, and we have forgone the pity party for a particularly self flagellating brain loathing party. Fun, huh?