Nerves and Anticipation

Tomorrow – or, more precisely, in about 7 hours – I am leaving my home for the weekend. I’m flying to Canada, where I will spend 48 hours or so at a retreat. This retreat is not only going to be seriously amazing, but it might help me with some of the negative emotions I’ve been struggling with lately about my own body image and unhealthiness.

I am blinking back tears as I write this post. I have found myself in tears several times since I found out I was going. I’m not spending a dime to get myself there (except for maybe breakfast in the airport in the morning) because someone out there loves me so much she decided to send me. This person is insanely awesome in her own right, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully express the gratitude I feel for her.

My tears tonight are a combination of nerves and anticipation. I really feel good about going, but I am scared. I have always been afraid of meeting new people and “not living up to their expectations” as though they have expectations of me. This returns to my self judgmental nature, of course, and I worry that I’ll do something to embarrass myself or cause people to either take too much notice of me. In my head, if someone takes too much notice of me that means they will make fun of me. Generally, my self deprecating humor is there in order to make fun of myself before others have the chance. Go figure. I am an in-person introvert (I’ll bare my soul in writing, but that’s about it) and I’m pretty grateful that there won’t be too many people at the retreat so I can likely find some alone time.

My tears are also of relief. I have been busting my ass for weeks at work, trying to accomplish a project before this Saturday’s deadline. The project sort of fell into my lap, and no one wanted to take it from that place, so I wrangled the people together and did it. Not only did we finish the project before I left for the day, but the tying up of loose ends won’t take hardly any effort tomorrow. I am so relieved that I can go on this mini-vacation without that worry over my head…

I am feeling pretty disjointed and rambly as I wait for dinner to be ready and then head to bed for a few hours’ sleep. I don’t know whether my exhaustion is going to kick in hard and I’ll pass out until I’m woken, or if it will turn into the old Disneyland commercial where no one can sleep. My plan is to bring my laptop and blog, but not spend too much time goofing off online because it will be good to unplug for a weekend. Hopefully, this retreat leads to some really awesome positive stuff for me!


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